The Christmas sequel that turns the first film into a Christmas miracle
Directed by: Alex Zamm
Written by: Stephen Mazur
Starring: Larry the Cable Guy, Kennedi Clements, Brian Stepanek
Rated PG for mild rude humor
Release Date: December 2, 2014
Runtime: 1:33
This review may contain spoilers and redneck jokes
The Origin of the Jingle
By 1996, the legendary Arnold Schwarzenegger had battled alien predators, terrorists, (other) terminators, and even children. But before he would go against Batman as Mr. Freeze or call the devil “a fucking choir boy,” Arnold would face a massive Christmas miracle for his son – Christmas shopping for the most popular toy in the friggin’ world on Christmas Eve, literally fighting Mall Santas and an equally desperate mailman played by comedian Sinbad.
– via 20th Century Fox
And decades later, they made a direct-to-video sequel – a sequel with nothing to do with the aforementioned first movie and starring blue-collar comedian Larry the Cable Guy with watered-down jokes. Oooh boy…
Jingle All the Way 2
The shame begins when Larry wants to get his daughter, Noel (of course, her name is Noel), the most popular toy hitting the stores – Harrison the Talking Bear.
Why is a talking plush doll so popular in 2014 in a decade of smartphones and portable video games? Why; because the first movie had a popular toy, too!
Yeah, the writers did not put a lot of thought into this.
But unfortunately, Noel’s new stepfather, Victor Baxter, learns of Larry’s intentions and… gets one of his employees to buy every single damn bear from all the toy stores in town. This way, Victor Bastard, I mean Baxter, will get her the bear and leave Larry with no chance. Then he’ll be Noel’s favorite dad (insert maniacal laughter).
The rest of the film is just Larry going shop to shop too late to get the bear. Thankfully, it ends with him and the evil stepfather accidentally locked in a warehouse, sitting down and talking their problems out, and finally escaping to give out all the hoarded bears to the town. I’m not even joking; the two prevented a town riot because of the damn bears. Everyone spends the holidays happy, learns the true spirit of Christmas, has hot choco, and “The End.”
Short and sweet… Well, short anyway.
WWE??!?
Yes, you read that right. This Christmas movie is from WWE Studios, as in the World Wrestling Entertainment. As in the league of muscle-bound men and women “fighting” each other in their undies and competing in totally “unscripted matches.”
I have so many questions now. Like, why is WWE attempting a Christmas movie? They were shelling out action movies like The Scorpion King, The Marine, and The Condemned. Now they’re branching out into Christmas specials?
Oh, never mind. After a quick Google check, I see they have made several Christmas movies. Oh no…
So there’s one question answered…
But how did Larry the Cable Guy and WWE get mixed together? If anything, wouldn’t one of their wrestlers headline the movie?
What, was this the one movie The Miz, John Cena, Big Show, Kane, Chris Jericho, David Otunga, and Bautista said no to? The only wrestler who shows up is Santino Marella, and he’s just Larry’s sidekick, Claude.
I just watched a WWE Christmas movie starring a comedian with a wrestler as his comic relief. Writing this review, I can’t even really remember Claude in the film. He’s just there to nod whenever Larry thinks of a new way to get the rare toy.
Larry the Christmas Guy
Larry the Cable Guy is better known for his redneck stand-up. It’s crude, gross, and hilarious, yet missing in his Christmas movie. Why bother getting Larry if you’re not even going to use him for what he’s famous for?
At least his other films, like Delta Farce and Health Inspector, made sense for him. Even Cars made more sense for Larry than this sad excuse of a Christmas movie.
Either it’s the script, or Larry is cleaning up his crude act for more of a family look. Either way, it just feels wrong.
Christmas Plot Twist
So there’s a little plot twist in this movie. When Larry read Noel’s letter to Santa, he had trouble reading it. This leads to him thinking his little girl wanted the Harrison the Talking Bear toy when, in fact, (spoiler warning) it was her family to be together for Christmas, including Larry and her stepdad getting along.
Christmas whoopsy – now the town was literally about to have a deadly riot.
And who seriously names their kid Noel?
“Nyahhl, Ah’m bahk!”
Considering this is a supposed sequel to Jingle All the Way and a WWE Christmas movie, how epic would it have been to bring Mr. Universe himself in for the ending? Arnold could be the real Santa, bringing gifts to everyone and calming the town riot. Just imagine him spouting off bad Christmas puns and smoking his stogie as he saves the day with Christmas magic.
Oh, and Arnold’s Santa suit could be sleeveless – to show off Arnold’s guns (WWE) and be an homage to Larry the Cable Guy’s usual look. Because Larry’s a man who exercises his right to “bare arms.”
Yes, it’s stupid, but did you see the ending to the first Jingle? Arnold and Sinbad fought each in working superhero suits (Arnold was frickin’ FLYING!) all in the name of a damn toy! This crossover idea makes just as much sense, and wouldn’t be above WWE standards. Plus, it would have at least paid better tribute to both Arnold and Larry, the stars of Jingle All the Way. You’re welcome!
No Jingle
And that’s really the problem with Jingle 2 – there’s no jingle.
It’s called Jingle All the Way 2, but it’s not a real sequel. It’s not Larry is the grown-up son from the last movie going through the same hijinks his Austrian-sounding dad went through (which that annoying little twerp deserved).
Jingle 2 is barely the same scenario. Instead of last-minute Christmas shopping (a situation easily remedied by online shopping now), it’s a more unbelievable case of a rich stepdad buying all the toys so Larry can’t buy one himself (at toy stores – again, modern online shopping is an easy fix).
In fact, the toy-shopping shenanigans aren’t even funny; just Larry walking away empty-handed from store to store. Same even when he attempts a late-night mechanical bull challenge to win the doll.
Fumble All the Way
Jingle All the Way 2 left me with many questions. Why even make a sequel? Did WWE think this was a money-maker? And why the WWE, of all studios? And why Larry?
The movie itself is not as bad as I thought it would be. It’s just boring, and that’s the real killer. Every joke was a dud. I mean, come on, you have Larry the Cable Guy, have him fight a reindeer that farts on him or force a snobby rich family to have dinner with his redneck family. Hell, have him fix the cable; he calls himself the Cable Guy.
Instead, he just hints at gross humor to keep the movie PG.
The “villain” is an over-jealous stepdad who makes you think that the writer Stephen Mazur is a divorced dad with serious issues with his kid’s new step-parent. Someone check on Stephen, I’m concerned.
At least the first movie was entertaining to watch. Jingle All the Way 2 is not entertaining and just bores you for 93 minutes.
In fact, just watch Jingle All the Way. Before this movie, it was considered one of the worst Christmas movies. It was also considered the worst movie for Arnold until the garbage Terminator sequels came around 2003. Now Jingle has been forgiven for that. And thanks to this sequel, Arnold’s movie is looking good as a Christmas movie.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all, Git-R-Done! (Seriously, I am shocked they did NOT end the movie with that). See you next X-mas.
