Madame Web review

For the love of God, Sony, just STOP!!!

Directed by: S.J. Clarkson
Written by: Matt Sazama, Burk Sharpless, Claire Parker & S.J. Clarkson
Starring: Dakota Johnson, Sydney Sweeney, Isabela Merced
Rated PG-13 for violence/action and language
Release Date: February 14, 2024
Runtime: 1:57

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This review absolutely contains spoilers, because the writer doesn’t care…

Sony keeping us guessing

Sony still owns the movie rights for Spider-Man and several related characters. Under Sony, we got Oscar-winning content like the excellent Into the Spider-Verse and the popular video games on PlayStation. At the same time, Sony has been behind the Venom movies, which were okay but nowhere near as good. And don’t even get me started on Morbius.

And now Sony is starting 2024 with a film based on a blind, elderly clairvoyant dependent on life support. Only now, she’s young and hot, not blind, and drives an ambulance.

Off to a good start already…

SSU

Madame Web is the fourth film in Sony’s Spider-Man Universe (SSU). Despite being called Sony’s Spider-Man Universe, all SSU movies are centered on Spidey’s characters and villains, with no actual Spider-Man seeming to exist anywhere.

This is a separate cinematic universe shared by Venom and Morbius. Yet, the Multiverse established in the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) is starting to blur that line. Venom has appeared in the MCU, and Morbius was met by the MCU villain Vulture (played by Michael Keaton).

“My, what a tangled web we weave…”

This web begins to spin when paramedic Cassandra Webb (Dakota Johnson, 50 Shades of Grey trilogy) starts to have visions of the future after a car accident. While on the subway, Webb sees a disturbing vision of three teenage passengers, Julia, Mattie, and Ana (played by Sydney Sweeney, Celeste O’Connor, and Isabela Merced, respectively), being ruthlessly executed by a strange, shoeless man.

Just as she snaps back to reality, Webb sees the man, known as Ezekiel Sims (Tahar Rahim, The Mauritanian), approaching their car. Reluctantly, Cassie has to keep the girls safe as Ezekiel hunts them in a deadly cat-and-mouse chase through New York.

Can Cassie’s clairvoyance keep the girls safe from the Evil Spider-Man-wannabe? Sources say – yes, obviously! The main character is literally a future-seeing psychic; she’d be pretty pathetic if she got everyone killed otherwise.

Let’s talk about the Marvel scroll banner

The original Marvel scroll actually started by Sony’s Spider-Man back in 2002. Since then, it’s been a must-have for Marvel movies. Marvel Studios escalated their version to a half-minute-long intro with movie clips and musical fanfare.

Sony is now the only one using the original comic book scroll. Ironically, the simple scroll banner feels empty now, with just the quiet sounds of pages flipping. Crazy how times have changed.

Helllllllo Spider-Ladies

I’m not gonna tip-toe around spoilers this time around because this movie sucks that much, and I don’t care.

Madame Web is an origin story for Cassie, played by Daisy Johnson. Instead of being old and blind, she’s merely in her thirties. This version is clonked in the head, and bam, future-seeing powers. Think of this as an unofficial take of The Dead Zone, but with spiders.

The film also introduces younger versions of Spider-Woman, Spider-Woman, and… other Spider-Woman. All three teenagers’ paths will intersect (like a web, ehhhhh) with Cassie when Ezekiel hunts them down.

All of this would be okay (so far), but the Spider-Women don’t even have their powers, nor do they get any. They just run away every time Ezekiel shows up, or they bitch and moan about having to stay out of sight. You know, stay out of sight of the super-powered killer who’s trying to kill you. But whatevs, time to hop on a diner table and dance for the cute boys. Girl power, ya’ll!

But Kaiz, you say, we all saw them in the movie trailer. They had their costumes and sticking to ceilings and everything.

Well, yes, that is in the movie – in Ezekiel’s dream. In addition to having spiderlike powers, he also has visions of the future through dreams. It’s in his prophetic dream where you’d see the girls ganging up on the barefooted big bad. And that’s all.

Which, by the way, that’s also the only time we see actual fighting. No, seriously, there were no fight scenes, even in the film’s finale. They just trap his ass in a lit-up fireworks warehouse from Looney Tunes and lure him under a falling sign.

Bad-Ass Women in Film

The whole “running from the bad guy” theme is so frustrating since that’s all they do. Even at the end, there’s no standing their ground and fighting for themselves. They don’t learn that, together as a group, they can stop and defeat him. Honestly, the falling sign just seemed like an opportunity moment. So the women of this superhero movie were saved by a lucky accident.

Empowering.

I would think that a superhero movie filled with female characters would have them as victorious heroes at the end. Even Cassie unlocking her full psychic potential (long story, but she took a quick plane ride to Peru to meet a tribal witch doctor who knew her mom) didn’t help her, and she just relied on the Pepsi-Cola sign falling on Ezekiel (also, weird product placement).

If this was supposed to be about women’s empowerment, I’m struggling to see how.

Even Sarah Connor started off scared out of her mind when an unstoppable killing machine from the future hunted her down in the classic The Terminator. Inexplicitly, Madame Web sounds a lot like that movie in the story. Sarah ran away a lot from the Austrian-accented muscular cyborg. But she learned to stop being a scared waitress and crushed the Terminator herself. She was a badass. Be more like Sarah Connor.

Or, how about Ripley from Aliens? Now she was a badass and had one of the most badass scenes in movie history, for male or female – standing up to the towering alien queen in a cargo-loading exo-suit and shouting, “Get away from her, you bitch!”

Not enough? How about Leia from Star Wars, Zoe Washburne from Firefly, Lara Croft from Tomb Raider, or freaking Jodie Foster in every movie she’s ever been in. No? I’ll keep it comic-book level then. Black Widow, Wonder Woman, Scarlet Witch, Harley Quinn, the list can keep on going.

The point is that female roles can be strong and battle to win the day. This film is not a good example of strong women. The teenagers are just girls running for their lives, but they could have been written to get their powers near the end and fight back against Ezekiel. That would have been an improvement right there. Or they could have Cassie use her powers to actually combat the bad guy instead of luring him to a Wile E. Coyote trap.

Bad Guy

Wow, through all my ranting, I nearly forgot about the villain.

Not much to say about Ezekiel aka the guy in the evil Spider-Man suit from the trailers. I think he only has the Spidey suit to try to make this more Spider-Man-related. Also, the Peruvian tribe wears face jewelry that has Spider-Man’s mask designs. It makes no sense to connect that to Ezekiel since he never saw them in the prologue. It’s also just dumb looking.

It also made no sense for the suit since he first attacked the girls in his business suit (minus shoes) so everyone can see his face. Then he’s immediately in the Spidey suit a second later, covering his face. Why, when he was ready to slaughter three girls in plain view?

Remember Morbius?

Remember that crappy vampire movie just a couple of years ago? You know, the one with Doctor Who as the silly bad guy and Michael Keaton showing up in a confusing ending? The Sony/Marvel movie that sucked but was still a better vampire movie than Twilight? The worst Marvel-related thing since Fant4stic?

Yeah, that one – this was actually worse, somehow. Sure, Morbius is predictable, slow, boring, and has a star that takes his comic book movie role way too seriously, but it still felt like a superhero movie. Once you take away all the things that made Morbius terrible, though – Yeah, it’s still a terrible movie.

Madame Web, were you copying off of Morbius’ homework?

Funny enough, I noticed a couple of similarities between Sony’s worst vampire movie and Sony’s worst female-led superhero movie. First, both movies reference Hulk’s “you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry” line. Even stranger is that it’s closer to the altered line in MCU’s The Incredible Hulk when Bruce Banner’s poor Portuguese turns his warning to “you wouldn’t like me when I’m hungry.” Morbius says at one point, “… and you don’t want to see me when I’m hungry.” Hattie in Madame Web says in the middle of the movie, “You wouldn’t like me when I’m ‘hangry.’”

That last one just made me throw up a little in my mouth.

Also, in Morbius, they were in Peru looking for vampire bats; in Madame Web, they were in Costa Rica looking for particular spiders.

For shame, Madame Web. You should have been copying off of Spider-Verse.

One Good Thing

One positive thing I can say – this one actually has a Spider-Man in it. Hey, how about that! Of course, he’s only a baby born in the last 10 minutes of the film, but hey, there you go!

Look, that’s the best I could do for this shitty movie!

This is supposed to be 2003?

Ohhhh, I get it. That way, the sequel can be fast-forwarded to when the girls are grown up and get their spider powers.

Speaking of doomed sequels…

The Future of Madame Web

This was supposed to be the start of a new Spider-Man-related franchise without Spidey being directly involved. Sony had plans for sequels, which I guess would follow the girls finally getting their powers and learning to be heroes under Madame Web’s guidance. After the massive box office flop, this may be dead in the water.

Sony is still trying to push out more films in their SSU, including a Kraven the Hunter film and another Venom sequel with Tom Hardy. Nothing has been announced after 2024 yet, but if they keep making duds like this one, there may not be more SSU films.

“When you take on the responsibility, great power will come”

Rest assured, if you’re wondering if Madame Web is really as bad as you’ve heard – no, it’s worse. Morbius may have been a giant pile of bat guano, but at least they had fight scenes. I’m still shocked I’m preferring Morbius over this.

Madame Web is like Shaquille’s Steel movie from way back. Poorly made, has a few familiar faces, and is based on a non-popular character centered on a more famous superhero. Steel almost killed off superhero movies (thank God for Blade), and Madame Web could be the end of Sony’s Spider-Man Universe.

Not to mention that you made a Marvel movie, and you dare to not add a post-credit scene!

Madame Web is currently playing in theaters and will soon be in the discount bin of shame at your local department store.