You’ll need every ounce of liquid courage
Directed by: Darrel Campbell & Kevin McAfee
Written by: Darrel Campbell, Gina Headrick, & Richard Headrick
Starring: Marshall R. Teague, Fred Williamson, Jennifer O’Neill
Rated PG for thematic elements, some war images, and brief smoking
Release Date: September 14, 2012
Runtime: 1:41
This review may contain spoilers and lots of self-persecution
“War never changes…”
Christmas is coming, so it’s time for decorations. People are throwing up lights, prepping trees, and hanging stockings. Some start it in November and even as early as October (too early, leave Halloween alone).
But wouldn’t you know it – those heartless atheists are trying to take away our Christmases. They want to outlaw our trees, lights, songs, crosses, and angels. No more Merry Christmas. No more Christ-anything. These godless heathens won’t rest until God is dead, and the holidays are all bland.
Sounds over-the-top and ridiculous? The War on Christmas has begun…
Last Ounce of Courage
Marshall R. Teague stars as the small town’s mayor and pharmacist Bob Revere. Currently, Revere has a growing problem in his small town of Mount Columbus – the Grinch is stealing Christmas from everyone, including the last can of Who-hash. Sorry, I meant bureaucrats from Washington, are stealing Christmas from everyone.
That’s better news for our Who-hash.
For years, religious icons and decorations have been taken down or removed. Revere has watched Christmas adapt a “less-offensive” version of itself and distanced itself from the Christmas he knew and loved.
When Revere’s grandson Christian (of course) moves in, Revere feels inspired to better honor his son’s sacrifice by standing up and fighting back against those oppressing his religious freedoms. It may cost him his position as mayor, but he is determined to pay the price for his (and our) freedoms.
America, dammit! Hell yeah!
While most of the town is happy to see the Mayor-of-All-Pill-Stackers bring the “Christ” back into Christmas, one man leads a legal assault on Revere’s attempts – Warren Hammerschmidt aka The Hammer (played by Blaxploitation legend and former NFL player Fred Williamson)! The Hammer wants town, nay the world, to be a religiously sterilized safe place where no one faction will ever be offended by anything anywhere.
How The Grinch Stole the Christ out of Christmas
Actually, the Grinch going around stealing only Christ-related decorations sounds way more entertaining. You’re a satanic oooone, Mr. Grinch. Your heart’s an a-theist hoooooole.
Damn, I should patent that…
“Facts are stubborn things.”
This film starts with a quote by Ronald Reagan circa 1961.
“Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn’t pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same, or one day we will spend our sunset years telling our children and our children’s children what it was once like in the United States where men were free.”
Not too shabby for an actor who would become president 20 years later, and not too bad of an introduction for a movie about war and freedom.
But… this is a movie about Christmas. More specially, this is a movie about wanting to put up Christmas decorations. Not sure that’s what Reagan had in mind, movie.
War on Christmas
So we got the story, so how does our hero stop our constitutional rights to freedom from being violated? Bitching about not having Nativity scenes and crosses out in view. Yeah, that’s the whole movie in a nutshell. And there’s plenty of nuts.
Let’s start with the big one – “Why don’t we celebrate Christmas anymore?” Does this town (and possibly others) not celebrate Christmas? Like, at all? No presents, family get-togethers, caroling, anything? Was there any time in our country that Christmas was as banned as this film wants you to think?
Well, it turns out that between 1695 and 1681, Christmas was actually banned in Boston. Yeah, it shocked me, too.
The Massachusetts Bay Colony enacted the very real law called Penalty for Keeping Christmas. The notion for this law was “festivals as were superstitiously kept in other countries” and “great dishonor to God and offence of others.” It was punishable for every offense to five shillings, which is about $48 today.
So the only time Christmas was actually banned in America was by 1600s Protestant Puritans claiming Christmas was too pagan.
So, nowhere near the pandemic levels Last Ounce or Bill O’Reilly (also appearing in the film uncredited) wants it to be. Let’s keep digging…
Most of Bob’s “tears of freedom” are easy arguments of Separation of Church and State. Just look in the Constitution’s First Amendment, and you’ll find the Establishment Clause. It prohibits the government from “establishing” one religion. That excludes the use of Christmas decorations on government property like courthouses and city halls.
Now that doesn’t count towards your own homes and churches. Again, this film makes it seem like that’s what the heathen atheist liberals accomplished. Where, in reality, have you seen city or state officials telling you that you can’t celebrate Christmas your own way? I mean, besides the Home Owners Association.
That’s the real enemy, Bob; you should have made the HOA the Christmas villain.
How about bringing a Bible to school? Bob’s grandson brings a Bible to school for some reason (he never makes out as an actual Christian, just someone who does things because he saw other Christians do it). It looked like he brought drugs or a gun to school, and it was even wrapped up suspiciously. It just turned out to be a copped-out build-up to a disappointing reveal.
Bibles are allowed in schools, you can read them to your Christian heart’s content. Hell, you can start a Bible club in school if you want. Schools just can’t teach Biblical things. It’s not even forbidden in the movie, the spineless principal was just afraid of getting canceled.
Also, this line, “Not one channel plays real Christmas music anymore,” cracked me up. Every year, from Thanksgiving to Christmas, station 102.5 KZEK (St. Louis) is dedicated to Christmas songs, including singing about the baby Jesus. That’s been going on since 2003. Maybe try more than five channels before giving up, Bob.
Maybe there’s more…
I could have missed something in this film, and in this setting, maybe Christmas really was outlawed in this small town of Mount Columbus. Kids seem confused and ask questions about Christmas decorations. Additionally, the townsfolk look at the decorations in wonder when Bob breaks them out.
I don’t know, maybe the filmmakers came up with a Christmas-like Dystopia, like George Orwell’s 1984. Big Brother is now a controlling liberal atheist, always watching and always making sure we don’t celebrate Christmas.
Or is my creativity just better than that of three writers for this movie?
For the troops, right?
Like any proud veteran (go Chair Force), I can appreciate a good movie dedicated to the men and women serving our country. And it really hits home when movies can show the world what military life is like. I think Hurt Locker was the closest in feeling the deployment grind. And who doesn’t love Saving Private Ryan despite starting with soldiers getting massacred in the opening beach scene?
This movie though… is as patriotic as a Denny’s Red, White, and Blue Pancakes commercial. Sure, you got an old man spouting “America” and has the classic red, white, and blue colors all over, but it’s just fluffed-up pancakes. Sweet, delicious diner pancakes.
Wait, I’m hungry now. Where was I going with this?
– via Veritas Entertainment
This movie just didn’t feel “for the troops.” It just felt like it was using the military to propel Bob’s grumpy Christmas initiative. Even something like Delta Farce was more respectable to the military than Last Ounce, with Larry the Cable Guy in the Army Reserves confusing Iraq with Mexico.
Also, I’m not crazy about a so-called veteran using an actual flag as a cover for his motorcycle. I’m pretty sure there’s some flag etiquette against using it as a drapery.
What About Bob?
Bob’s main drive to restoring Christmas is honoring his son Thomas who died during… you know what; I have no idea which war. This movie kept many things vague, including where and when Thomas went to deploy. Last Ounce was released in 2012, and Thomas’s son (it’s revealed his wife was pregnant just before he left) is a teenager in school. So with basic math, the film is saying Thomas was deployed somewhere between 1994 and 2000. Operation Desert Storm was 1990-1991, and the Iraq War started in 2003.
– via Veritas Entertainment
Okay, well, this is a fictional story, so let’s just say Thomas was in a fictional war. Oh, maybe this was the war that ended Christmas in Bob’s hometown, creating my 1984 idea earlier. Hey, starting to connect some dots.
“Do you guys want to see a dead body?”
Despite being before the era of Instagram, Thomas was the guy filming himself during inappropriate times and annoying everyone.
“What up mil fam, just me and my squad about to raid the bad guys and serve freedom. We send them, God judges. #LoveGod #blessed #Murica #Peace&Freedom”
Obviously, this isn’t the era of phone cameras so the dude had to bring a tripod along this mission. I’m telling you, his squad had to have hated this guy.
Anyways, he is recording himself during what looks like a mission or an attack or something. Again, the film keeps everything so vague I can’t even tell if they’re attacking an enemy or defending their own place. I know, semantics. Either way, he decided this moment was the appropriate time to record a heartfelt message.
Regardless, it goes bad and Thomas is killed while recording. And Christian decided to shock his town by showing his father’s death at a fucking school play. So not only is he showing Thomas’s snuff selfie, but he’s showing it to children of all ages. The movie plays it off as a triumphant moment; a call to arms, if you will. This moment caused the town to unite for Christmas and even free Mayor Revere, somehow. And to think, all it took was a dumbass teen exploiting his Army Dad’s death.
The Stranger is ‘sus’
So, sure, you have a grumpy pharmacist/mayor unhappy that no one is celebrating the “reason for the season” like how he wants, or thinking troops are out there fighting for our rights to Christmas trees, but at least all that makes sense. A conservative man in a small town wanting to move back to traditional Christian beliefs; sure, I can buy that. But then the movie decides to add in a gosh-darned angel.
This angel is mostly just a clean-looking hobo played by one of the film’s writers/producers. Think of a Wish.com version of Trace Adkins walking around and doing nothing.
To add to the cheesiest of an angel just chilling in a small town in Colorado is telling Bob he “has done well.” So, God’s plan was to get a small-town mayor to brace a “Jesus Saves” sign up on a retreat center and have his grandson show everyone his father’s combat death. Wars, suffering, domestic abuse, and school shootings, but, nooo, putting Christ back in Christmas was the bigger priority.
God really does work in mysterious ways.
Chuck Norris’s Seal of Approval
You should know his name. He is a man of action, a legend of kick-assery. The internet has fables of his amazing and impossible feats only he can accomplish. He is the Walker, Texas Ranger. He is Delta Force. He is… the third deciding judge in Dodgeball. He is – Chuck “Fuckin” Norris.
Why am I bringing up this icon of my childhood? Does he have a cameo in this crappy movie? No… he does not.
But the movie proudly has the Chuck Norris Seal of Approval stamped on it. Well, damn movie; you have the legendary ass-kicker of ass-kickers approving you. I guess I misjudged you. Thank Norris I saw the Seal, now I can respect this and take it seriously. This movie has meaning now.
Was that too much sarcasm?
So this “Seal of Approval” by Chuck Norris had me curious – it’s been 12 years since he gave his first approval of a film. How many others have earned this magnificent achievement? Is it a yearly award? Is it only for Christian films?
Short answer – Norris never gave this endorsement again. Since 2012, no other movie has met the standards he gave to Last Ounce? Not even Christian movies? Chuck, you’re telling me that you were so proud of the work from this sob story than, say, Passion of the Christ? Really?
It’s almost like the “Seal of Approval” wasn’t a thing at all but instead a shitty attempt to get undeserved attention for people to watch. Nooooo… they wouldn’t…
Now, I grew up in the era of Chuck Norris being Chuck “Fuckin’” Norris, so do you think I would trash a legendary icon of the precious ‘80s? Yes, I would!
Put down your “Chuck Norris Facts” chart, I know them all. I would also trash Hulk Hogan and Bill Cosby, so bring it.
The “Seal of Approval” is just a dumb stunt to garter attention to an even dumber movie. I don’t know what’s sadder – them dragging Chuck Norris into this or Chuck Norris gladly doing it, even going so far as promoting it with Marshall Teague on Fox News.
Fun fact: Chuck Norris is also Chair Force. What? If this movie gets to show off having Chuck Norris approving this mess, then I’m going to brag about me and him serving in the same branch.
Bob’s Balk
Speaking of Chuck promoting this skidmark, he loves talking about Bob’s final speech about freedom. More specifically, Marshall Teague’s three-minute speech was completely unscripted. That’s impressive… if it wasn’t just a bunch of word salad.
Bob starts with our forefathers coming to this brave new world, and the first thing they did was propping up a cross on the shore. See, the problem with going off-script is you might start saying things that you think happened. The first pilgrims that came to America were Puritans who were Christians, buuuuut Puritans had this tendency of opposing the use of crosses. This was the major reason for separating from the Church of England, which Bob called a “religious oppression of another land.”
Hey, I caught you being conveniently vague again, Bob.
Also, Bob says this was never “about colored lights or a tree on a city square. My fight is about freedom.” Wait a minute; then what the H-E-double-hockey-fuck were you doing the entire movie? You were griping the whole, damn time about trees, songs, and Nativity scenes. Not to mention that you just got done hauling up a lit-up cross that honestly had nothing to do with Christmas in the first place. Your very goal was to have these decorations up everywhere.
Maybe, just maybe, this speech would have worked as a “you know what, I learned something today” moment. It’s not about material things; it was all about our freedoms. Freedoms we already had, but Bob had to learn the hard way.
Last Ounce of Class Action Lawsuit
To help promote their movie, the filmmakers set up a massive robocall advertising campaign. According to evidence, the recorded message, spoken by former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee, went out to 3.2 million households promoting Last Ounce of Courage.
Oh, did I say evidence? This phone marketing attempt became a $32.4 million lawsuit in 2014. It violated the Telephone Consumer Protection Act, restricting automatic dialing systems and prerecorded/artificial voice and text messages. For the 3.2 million people, the court ordered the marketers to pay $10 per call.
Not good news for a film that made only $3.3 million at the box office. Maybe not do that next time…
Last Ounce of Self-Persecution
Last Ounce of Courage sits on two irritable problems – keeping facts as vague as possible and main complaints aren’t even illegal. Good ol’ Bob will admit most of the things he’s fighting for aren’t illegal, but people are just afraid to practice what they believe in.
I did not like it as a veteran; it was preachy about fighting for our rights (of Christmas lights). My friend Token Christ Lover didn’t like it as a Christian; it was preachy about preaching. Math checks out; this movie is just too preachy.
Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas! May the beard of Chuck Norris protect you from the liberal Hammer of neutrality. See you next X-Mas.
