When “Shark Week” on Christmas break isn’t enough…
Directed by: Misty Talley
Written by: Jake Kiernan
Starring: Reid Miller, Courtney Lauren Cummings, Hawn Tran
Rated TV-PG for surprisingly little gore and violence
Release Date: August 14, 2018
Runtime: 1:28
This review may contain spoilers
What’s Next?
So, I needed something easier to handle after last year’s Kirk Cameron Saving Christmas. That insufferable train wreck was just exhausting. Maybe something wholesome and entertaining. Maybe something with a solid Christmas message, praising goodwill to mankind and peace on Earth…
Nahhhhh, I’ll just choose a cheesy horror comedy B-movie instead.
How about Santa Jaws? It’s a shark horror film centered around Christmas, so it should be comedic, silly, and magical. Maybe I’ll be lucky, and it’ll be full of moronic characters only there for shark food?
I can only hope…
Santa Jaws
So, what could Santa Jaws possibly be about? Why, it’s a magical, female great white rocking a Santa hat, of course. She’s drawn to Christmas-y things and, like any old-fashioned shark, loves dining on screaming humans. As the festive shark eats more people and acquires more Christmas things for its look, she’ll become more powerful and smarter.
And if you think that all that sounds like something from a weird, angsty teenager – you’re right! Santa Jaws is a comic book co-created by young Cody (Reid Miller, Joe Bell). He goes Kevin McCallister and wishes to “be left alone,” accidentally bringing his monster shark to life via a magical pen from Germany. The shark begins gobbling people up, mostly Cody’s family and friends (because of his wish). Now, Cody must find a way to stop Santa Jaws from eating the whole town up. And no, just saying “stay away from the water” is not an option – it’s a shark movie; people are going to easily (and hilariously) fall into the water.
And no, the magical German pen didn’t come with an eraser.
“See you in jingle hell”
Can we talk about the first scene, though, because that opener was like watching the Christmas version of Cobra?
So, the film starts abruptly with a damsel in distress tied to a boat dock by an evil Santa (completed with “Feliz” tattooed on one arm and “Navidad” on the other). And only our short-lived hero can save her, with “meh” fight skills and puns.
It’s revealed to be part of Cody’s comic book and the creation of Santa Jaws, with Evil Santa’s hat drifting on her fin. But before that’s made clear, it’s such a bizarre opening that you start wondering if you played the wrong movie.
And it’s a little disappointing that the film doesn’t follow this story instead of Cody’s. I totally would have been down for the action hero fighting Santa Jaws; that would have been some epic Christmas film cheese.
Sharks… why did it have to be sharks?
Man, shark movies are all over the place. Well, mostly on the SyFy channel and in the $1 DVD bin. Since Jaws came out in 1976, sharks have become a horror icon. The Jaws franchise died pretty quickly, with most audiences laughing at the absurdity of Jaws: the Revenge.
Now, that movie looks forgivable compared to the gimmicky shark movies today. You got demonic sharks (Shark Exorcist), sharks with two-heads or three (Two-Headed Shark Attack/3-Headed Shark Attack), half-shark and half-octopus (Sharktopus), half-shark and half-dolphin (Peter Benchley’s Creature), super-smart sharks (Deep Blue Sea), vampire sharks (Sharkula), and even flying, weaponized sharks controlled by Nazi zombies (Sky Sharks). And yeah, every single one of those movies is 100% real.
And none of them had frickin’ laser beams attached to their frickin’ heads! What, did Austin Powers copyright that idea or something?
And I didn’t even get to Sharknado. Did you know there were six movies? Six movies of sharks in a tornado, killing celebrity cameos. And now, Jason Statham is fighting Megalodons in two Meg movies.
Smile, you son of a fish
So, it’s a CGI shark with a Santa hat on it. What’s so special about that? She chomps on unsuspecting people on the dock and boats and not much else.
What is fun about Santa Jaws is every Christmas item that drew her in becomes a part of her, making her stronger and deadlier. A dude gets eaten trying to unclog a boat propeller from Christmas lights (cause that happens), and those lights wind up wrapped around the shark’s tail, able to use them as a whip. Cody tries to draw a massive candy cane spear to stab her in the head, and boom – Santa Jaws has a narwhal horn to stab people now. She even chewed on Christmas ornaments dumped in the water (just roll with it) to cover her teeth in broken shards, to make them… more serrated? Okay, that one may be a little much.
Personally, I’m disappointed this shark didn’t wind up with a Missile-toe (get it?) attachment. But there are only so many ways you can jump the Christmas-fueled shark.
Oh, before I forget, the damn shark growls “ho, ho, ho” underwater periodically. Because, of course, it does!
Someone has a thing for sharks…
From 2015 to 2018, director Misty Talley worked on a shark movie every year – Shark Island (or Zombie Shark), Ozark Sharks, Mississippi River Sharks, and Santa Jaws. After a quick look at the covers of these titles, they look like the typical “you go in the water – CGI shark’s in the water” low-budget shark bait fest.
Shark Island did make Talley the first female director to direct a SyFy channel original movie. So, she’s got that going for her.
Input Code A-B-A-C-A-B-B
For those who never held a Sega Genesis controller in the early ‘90s, that’s the blood code for Mortal Kombat.
The point is, despite this being about a great white attacking people, it’s surprisingly tame on the blood. Even after a man dressed up as an elf gets his legs torn off by Santa Jaws, he hilariously stumbles away on his knee-cap stumps, screaming towards Cody before falling into the water. I was in absolute tears laughing.
Even the shark herself doesn’t get bloodied. Her glowing red eye (because it’s supposed to be like Rudolph’s nose) gets gouged out by a candy cane, and she doesn’t bleed either. Oh, shit… if she doesn’t bleed, can they kill it?
I don’t know, maybe it’s the magic pen. It’s the Christmas season, so anything Santa Jaws does won’t be bloody. I’d still put in the blood cheat code.
Shark the Herald Angels Sing
Santa Jaws is the surprisingly bloodless, silly Christmas movie cheese I needed this year. It’s the exact kind of shark B-movie you’d expect from the SyFy channel, now with Christmas colors and jingle bells. The shark accumulating Christmas items as the movie progresses was a fun touch, especially the narwhal horn.
There wasn’t much else to say about it, which is a relief after dealing with Saving Christmas. The acting’s bad, the story is bad, and the special effects are really bad. At least the sets look like real places that the owners let them use while closed for Christmas.
Finally, give us the rest of that opening scene. #TheKaizDemandsIt
Merry Christmas, and be sure to dump spiked egg nog and Christmas chum for Santa Jaws this year. See you next X-Mas.
