The Christmas movie for both atheists and Christians… to hate
Directed by: Darren Doane
Written by: Darren Doane & Cheston Hervey
Starring: Kirk Cameron, Darren Doane, Bridgette Cameron
Rated PG for some thematic elements (but loaded with overall stupidity so keep the kids away from this one)
Release Date: November 14, 2014
Runtime: 1:19
This review may contain insane rantings of the highest order of dumb… and spoilers
Christmas needs a hero…
Remember Kirk Cameron, the crowd-pleasing heartthrob from that old sitcom? Well, that little Growing Pain became a Grown Pain-in-the-Ass.
Now, Cameron is taking it upon himself to set the record straight on the true meaning of Christmas, with made-up ideas and misinformation. But unlike that crazy hobo downtown telling everyone he’s Christ’s illegitimate child from a virgin donkey, Cameron at least has star power.
Saving Christmas
So, what is Saving Christmas? How does Kirk Cameron save it? Who honestly believes Kirk can save anyone or anything? Our story begins at a big Christmas party…
Kirk Cameron is celebrating the Christmas spirit with his family and friends. But sadly, Christian White, Cameron’s brother-in-law, has lost the Christmas jolliness, watching children having fun with personal dread and disappointment. He hides sulking inside his car, and only Kirk Cameron is obnoxious enough to pester him to find out what’s wrong.
Not only has White lost the Christmas cheer, but he’s also very bitchy (and I mean VERRY bitchy) about how Christians celebrate the Christmas season with non-Christian traditions: Christmas trees, Santa Claus, and presents. Cameron does his best to justify why Christians have them (in other words, he makes up a bunch of crazy shit) and turns White a full 180 degrees from his Christmas humbuggery. White and Cameron return to the party with White belly-sliding into the tree’s presents, and everyone celebrates the night away with a bunch of white people dancing (be very afraid) and horrible autotuned Christmas songs. I’d joke about someone spiking the eggnog, but this is such a white-bred family that even regular eggnog would cause this.
And for the record, there was no saving of Christmas; just Kirk Cameron brainwashing his brother-in-law to his level of stupidity. The Great Ernest P. Worrell did a better job of saving Christmas in his movie, in fact, just watch Ernest Saves Christmas. It’s better for your sanity.
The cover
Now, let’s talk about this eyesore of a cover. You got Kirk with his douchey smirk, looking like he’s outrunning a storm or caught in a festive tornado. You can see a Christmas tree, presents, Santa’s cap, crosses, and a couple of Benjamins floating around, and Kirk holding a giant candy cane like a weapon.
Kirk is cradling an orb that is hard to see what it contains – the Nativity scene. You’d think this would be in the center of the cover to show its importance to Christians, but no, Kirk’s foot is the main center. It looks like he’s about to kick you in the face for trying to see the damn orb if he doesn’t club you with his giant candy cane weapon first.
Okay, okay, yeah, I’m stalling. This was really hard to watch, let alone think about.
In the Beginning…
Kirk welcomes the unfortunate viewers to his living room by the fireplace (and totally NOT a sound stage). He even rants and raves about his love for everything Christmas-y and, especially, his love for hot chocolate (and totally NOT drinking from an obviously empty mug).
He’ll go on about “other people” trying to quiet and hinder Christians from celebrating Christmas, and preps the viewers for what’s coming: including that Christmas was always for Christians and that Santa Claus himself was “actually on the team.”
Hey, hey. Hey! Sit back down; this is only the beginning.
The Birth of Christ
Cameron starts off the insanity with what he deems is the most valuable thing in any household Christmas decoration – the Nativity set.
First off, that’s wrong. The most valuable thing in my householdis my Death Star Christmas tree topper (thank you very much) that plays both The Imperial March and the Star Wars theme song. Suck it, baby Jesus.
This is where Kirk Cameron’s vision of Christmas comes into play, starting with Cameron instructing you what to think of the Nativity scene. Don’t think of the classic cute farm stable with Mary and Joseph on either side of the eight-pound, six-ounce newborn, infant Jesus; don’t even know a word yet. Instead, think of a dark cave with a stone slab for a manger. Apparently, Cameron doesn’t like the idea of a traditional manger because it’s another word for a feeding trough. But manger is also another word for a crib. Cameron is not big on research.
Cameron is also obsessed with baby Jesus’ swaddling cloth. He sees some connection between this baby blanket and the burial cloth used in his burial. He finishes this farfetched conclusion that the “reason for the season” is not Jesus’ birth but his eventual, brutal death 30-odd years later.
We’ll be right back after these messages…
Pretty nutty, right? Sounds like something wacky your drunken aunt would rant about during the family dinner. Well, take a moment to collect yourself. We’ll take a break from Quirk Cameron and his brother-in-law/film director for a moment with the dinner party inside.
Oh, did I say “break?” I meant “hollowed attempt of humor with unfunny actors doing unfunny things.”
The hollowed attempt involves two of Kirk’s party guests spreading Christmas conspiracies. “Three words: War… on… Christmas.” Or three even better words: stupid… ass… scene. With coffee mugs obstructing their faces, because reasons, they rant on with their lines obviously dubbed over. Again, because of reasons.
What craziness comes from the Christmas conspirators? It was hard to keep up, but everything from Suga Free, freedom of speech, Area 52 where they hide the Nativity scenes, why the Pope really stepped down, Picasso code (what?!), fluoride in the water, Asperger’s, pink slime, emu meat, honey bee shortage…
Can you feel the Christmas spirit yet, folks? Remember, Kirk Cameron is here to save Christmas!
Christmas Trees
Christian Grey also complains about Christmas trees not being biblical. Okay, are these real complaints? Who has ever complained about Christmas trees not being in the Bible?
Well, dear poorly-written brother-in-law, there is a simple explanation – Christmas trees weren’t a holiday tradition until the 15th and 16th centuries, with the first recorded decorated tree dating back to 1419 in present-day Freiburg, Germany. Now the first published Bible, called the Gutenberg Bible, was printed in 1455. So, both the first Bible and the first Christmas tree happened in the same century (I know, pretty surprising). And the Bible is made up of multiple books dating back thousands of years in the past, so Christmas trees wouldn’t have made it in the Bible unless someone from Freiburg rushed to the publishing company and made a quick jot about their special tree decorated with apples, gingerbread, and tinsel.
That took a quick 5 minutes of research to find.
Cameron just dumps a lazy answer – Christmas trees were God’s idea because God made trees. And before you can finish rolling your eyes, he starts claiming that every tree, including Christmas trees, represents the cross. Because, get this, the cross was made out of wood.
I actually watched this trainwreck with a devout Christian buddy of mine, let’s just call him “Token Christ Lover.” I have never seen this man lose it at a bad movie, yet this is the one that broke him, especially shouting angrily at my innocent TV. Had to explain to the neighbors why they were hearing a shrill voice shrieking, “That’s not what that means, you moron!” repeatedly.
Massacre of the Innocents
Cameron also suggests that you take your toy soldiers (or in White’s case, the innocent Nutcracker prop) and place them around your Nativity sets to represent the Massacre of the Innocents. This is an event in the Bible (and nowhere else in recorded history) where King Herod ordered the soldiers to execute all male children under the age of two to kill the prophesied baby Jesus.
Cause nothing says Christmas cheer like having toys to represent baby murders, ya sick fucks.
“Bad” Santa
White also sobs about the point of Santa Claus and how he destroyed Jesus. Yeah, he really thinks this; this man’s faith is super fragile. He even digs up that timeless argument that if you rearrange the letter, Santa spells out: S-A-T-A-N.
Well damn, in the words of Private Hudson, “Game over, man. Game over.” You can’t win against Christian White; his insight is so spot-on. He spent fifteen whole minutes staring at happy children coming up with this.
Don’t worry, Cameron sets him straight with more diarrhetic knowledge.
Cameron tells his gullible bro-in-law about Saint Nicholas and how he beat the bejesus out of a heretic. Cameron envisions this story with St. Nick as this “bad, bad, but bad in a good way” (his words) defender of the faith, bringing God’s wrath to heretics and nay-sayers. Again, Cameron instructs the viewers to imagine Nicholas as “more Lord of the Rings-y.” Probably because that’s as far as Kirk’s imagination can grasp.
Anyhow, Cameron skims over most of Nicholas’ known stories of being the Bishop of Myra and speeds right to the First Council of Nicaea in 325 AD. This was an assembly of Christian bishops settling important religious debates, including Arius, a priest from Cyrenaica, challenging the divine nature of Jesus. In Kirk’s words, “The official record says that at a critical moment during the Council, Nicholas put the heretic Arius to shame, not only by word but also by deed, smiting him on the cheek.”
It’s hard to follow, but the film seems to show Nicholas at some random tavern listening to a random heretic talking about Arius’s theories. But it’s shown over Cameron’s narration of Arius getting bitch-slapped so it could be a very low-budgeted reenactment of the First Council. It’s so badly put together that it could go either way, honestly.
Wherever this scene is supposed to be, it shows Nicholas dragging a heretic outside and then presumably beating the man to death. There’s also dubstep music to play during the heretic’s beating, because that fits in with the setting, right? I bet you anything Kirk probably thought this scene would look so badass. Oh yeah, this is just like The Matrix.
Truth
So, even if celebrating Ol’ St. Nick beating heretics to death doesn’t sound wrong here, there’s a lot more. Back to Google search!
Kirk claims Nicholas was there at the first Council of Nicaea in AD 325, as well as the naughty heretic Arius. Naturally, both had to be there for the smackdown, right? And Kirk says the official record stated Nicholas assaulted Arius for his blasphemy.
First off, Cameron mistakenly called Arius a bishop, which he was not. Admittedly, an easy mistake since it was a meeting for bishops, so anyone could confuse him for that, even a clueless, former teen star. No biggie.
But, while Emperor Constantine invited all 1,800 bishops to attend the meeting, there’s conflicting evidence to show that Nicholas even made it. Some show that Nicholas was on the VIP list for the council, but only after hagiographical works showed up over half a thousand years later. No other accounts mention Nicholas, including Eusebius, the church historian.
In fact, the heretic-bitch-slapping incident is the only thing linking Nicholas to the First Council. Not sure what Cameron is talking about with the “official record” but the whole incident is considered apocryphal, which is a new word I learned today (doubtful authenticity, often widely circulated as being true; thanks Google).
Look at me, utilizing research to back my claims. My professors would be so proud.
Kirk finishes telling his brother-in-law, “The guy you think is distracting everyone’s attention from the birth of the Christ child, is actually the defender of the faith you want to be.” Well, the guy that Christian is complaining about is Santa Claus, not Saint Nicholas. No, Kirk, they are not the same person. You literally just wasted his time (and ours) blabbering about a story most historians agreed didn’t happen.
But, if you want to be a grungy, possibly homeless psycho who beats up people who disagree with you, then yeah, this story’s for you.
Professional Christmas DJs Needed
Ooooookay. So, everything I wrote about so far was hard to watch – from Cameron dumping farfetched ideas to just being the annoying, center-of-attention douche of the family party. Buuut Cameron saved the best cringe for last. Oh yes, prepare yourselves, readers – for painful breakdancing by white people to a remixed version of “Angels We Have Heard on High” that is so bad it makes the Crucifixion look like the second worst thing that ever happened to Jesus.
Oh yeah, I said it. Mel Gibson wished he thought of this kind of pain to inflict on Jim Caviezel in The Passion of the Christ.
I don’t even know where to start with this torture. The music is drilling through your ears to your brain with awful singing. The family is dancing (badly) in group synchronization and somewhere in there, Kirk shows off his worm skills.
What’s really sad is this whole thing is directed by a guy who directed music videos for Blink-182 and comedian Brian Posehn.
It was the longest five minutes of my life.
Materialistic Christmas
Cameron isn’t done yet; ohhhhhhh no! After swaddling cloths, Christmas trees, Santa Aragorn, and white people breakdancing, Cameron still has more horseshit to add to the steaming pile. He also covers the materialism of Christmas – which he fucking supports.
Seriously, this is pure ludicrous. I already finished a whole bottle of whiskey. Now I need a break for another bottle.
Now, where was I… oh yeah, Kirk Cameron is an idiot. Right, right.
Have you ever looked at presents and seen a city skyline? Cameron does; in fact, he sees the New Jerusalem. And the Christmas tree overlooking this mini-city of presents? Why, it’s the Tree of Life, of course. Of course, it is! Can’t you see it? It’s right there, it’s been there all along! We’ve been so blinded! Oh, thank you, Prophet Kirk Cameron! Your immaculate vision is showing me the light! Yes! Yes! Jesus H. Tap-Dancing Christ, I have seen the light!
“Hallelujah! Holy Shit! Where’s the Tylenol?”
Anyways, Cameron ends this disaster (FINALLY) by babbling about how you should splurge on Christmas because it celebrates Mr. Jesus. In his own cuckoo-bird words, “This is a celebration of the eternal God taking on a material body. So, it’s right that our holiday is marked with material things.” So, it’s a good thing to act like a privileged asshole? Aren’t there cardinal sins like greed, gluttony, and vanity? Because that sounds exactly like what Kirk is suggesting you do on Christmas.
So go ahead, buy all of the frivolous shit for Christmas. Buy the biggest hams and turkey while you wave to the homeless. Be financially irresponsible to celebrate Jesus’ birth even though it wasn’t part of this holiday. And if you’re struggling with debt, bills, and rent – well, that’s your problem! You should have been a child actor like Kirk Cameron!
Padding, so much padding
Amazingly, this thing is barely 80 minutes long. It would have been shorter if not for the excessive amounts of padding, especially with Cameron and White talking in the car. This thing could have been a half-hour shorter if it weren’t for the desperate attempt for their comical bantering.
I mean, good God, the bantering just drags on and on.
Sometimes, they’re just sitting there silently while Cameron thinks up whatever bullshit he can. Who edited this?? I kept thinking the movie froze. It’s almost as torturous as Kirk’s crazy stories.
The Christmas comedy that really wasn’t
So, really, what is Saving Christmas? Is it an informative documentary showing the truth of Christian traditions for Christmas? Is it a well-researched concept for a fresh Christian perspective of Christmas?
The answer – an astute “fuck no!”
The film is like a pseudo-historical documentary (minus any historical references) slotted into a dull discussion from a fictional setting. Think of if Michael Moore wrote Bowling for Columbine with him as a fictionalized character, talking to one of his “fellow teenage classmates” during lunch and that’s where the documentary part starts.
In fact, Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas is labeled as a faith-based Christmas comedy. Riiight, it’s a comedy – with a has-been actor trying really hard to convince viewers to reimagine Christmas icons.
How do you seriously call your movie a comedy when the whole purpose is to educate?
What Cameron does present is inaccurate, made-up, or just plain wacko, so maybe calling it a comedy is a safe move. Any time someone tries to call you out, you can just say, “Comedy” and the argument’s done.
Putting Christ back in… “Christ, what the hell did I just watch?”
The movie’s slogan is “Put Christ back in Christmas;” yeah, real original. The biggest irony of this film is it never addressed the secularization of Christmas.
You would think the film’s slogan would be the big thing to cover. But it’s barely even thought of in here.
Sure, there was that dumbass “War on Christmas” scene, but all that did was unintelligently dumped a bunch of random stuff on you. Not to mention it was just a waste of time.
I would say that I’m shocked by this, but I’m done thinking about this film, honestly.
The Kirk Whisperer
So, Saving Christmas is bottom-line Kirk wanting to remold how everyone views Christmas, hence his line, “Now see Christmas through new eyes.” But, more specifically, through Cameron’s eyes. His crazy, hollow eyes.
And that’s fine, believe it or not. That’s exactly what I was expecting watching one of these Christian Christmas movies, especially making number 7 in IMDb’s bottom 100 list.
This film is just Cameron pulling ideas out of his ass, and the real problem is that they have nothing to do with what’s in the Bible. You know, the fundamental Word, that all Christians place their faith in and written by Mr. Almighty himself?
Even when Christian falls for all of Kirk’s BS and goes back inside, Kirk has this dark look on his smug face. He has this Palpatine-guiding-Darth-Vader look in his eyes, even putting a hand on his brother-in-law’s shoulder. You can almost hear him whisper, “Go, spread my bullshit unto the land. Show them the swaddling cloth. Show them Herod’s soldiers. Celebrate violent beatings when people disagree with your beliefs.”
The only thing missing is Cameron cackling like Palpatine and shouting, “POWER!!!”
Boy, wouldn’t that have made the entire film worth it, Cameron turning into the Emperor and ordering his Christmas party to execute Order 66? Someone get this man a dark cloak.
Kirk’s “rotten” response
Disclaimer: never take Rotten Tomatoes scores too seriously; just like a real rotten tomato, it’s bad for you. But I’m pleased to say that Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas sits at a comfortable 0%, to this day, on the site. It also holds a 30% on the site’s Audience Score.
Where it deserves.
Yet, unlike the unfortunate souls who saw it, Kirk Cameron was shocked by the responses. Like major butt-hurt. And instead of accepting the loss and moving on with life, Cameron decided to beg his fans on social media to save the film’s score.
On Facebook, Cameron posted “Help me storm the gates of Rotten Tomatoes. All of you who love Saving Christmas – go rate it at Rotten Tomatoes right now and send the message to all the critics that WE decide what movies we want our families to see! If 2,000 of you (out of almost 2 million on this page) take a minute to rate Saving Christmas, it will give the film a huge boost and more will see it as a result!”
Thanks to the masses, Saving Christmas gained its “Certified Fresh” rating and became more popular in 2014 than The Grand Budapest Hotel, Gone Girl, and Marvel’s Captain America: The Winter Soldier on the review site.
HAAA, gotcha!
No, in reality, Cameron’s plan backfired. He thought he could boldly provoke internet trolls by calling them “haters and atheists” in another post. His film was buried with more negative reviews on Rotten Tomatoes, Metacritic, IMDb, and other review sites.
Also, that bit to critics that “WE decide what movies we want our families to see” is bizarre. Why does he think critics dictate what people see? Their job is just to tell you that your movies suck, Kirk.
What’s the moral of the story? Stop blaming your failures on other people, and just accept you made a shitty movie. No one was out to get you, Kirk; you only set yourself up for this one.
Or, maybe you can appreciate it this way – You nailed your own damn self to your cross.
James 4:10 – “Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.”
One of the Worst Films ever… OF ALL TIME
That’s not just my opinion. After Cameron attempted to boost his film’s ratings, Saving Christmas sank to the bottom of multiple review sites’ lists. IMDb had the film at number one on its bottom 100 list (now currently at number 6) and scored 1.3/10. It sits at 18/100 on Metacritic’s site.
I can find more places to make fun of this movie. The 35th Golden Raspberry Awards, which dishonors the worst in cinematic achievements, bestowed four Razzie Awards to Saving Christmas: worst picture, worst actor, worst screenplay, and worst screen combo – Kirk Cameron and his Ego (Ha! Nice).
Apologies
Oh my God, I am so sorry. Thank you for making it to the end of this review, which wound up being much longer than intended. It’s almost 4,000 words long. Wow, I made this into a long, goddamn essay from 80 minutes of Cameron earning that Razzie award.
That’s how much garbage this film crammed in. Not a nanosecond was wasted in making this the worst Christmas-related film, despite having tons of shots of people sitting around in silence and doing nothing.
Saving Christmas from Kirk Cameron
Whew, no joke, this was the most agonizing thing ever to watch, even worse to write about.
Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas is an absurd and thoughtless mess of a film, if “film” is even the right word. At best, the message is unhinged rantings of a televangelist who wants to reshape history to fit his religious needs.
In short, it’s brainwashing. This is brainwashing on another level of crazy.
Reassigning Christmas traditions and imagery is one thing (and surprising coming from a conservative Christian), but flat-out making things up is just wrong; pure and simple. And a lot of Cameron’s claims really needed better research.
And that goddamned dance scene needs to be a new cardinal sin.
This movie sucks the big one and was physically painful to watch. Every single scene is mind-numbing. It’s earned its title as one of the worst films of all time, although I will say, it should be considered the worst one.
When asked, Token Christ Lover said this was a “heretical dumpster fire.” Thanks, TCL.
Happy Holidays! Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Happy Kwanza! Seasons Greetings! Whatever other holiday farewells that upset people like Kirk Cameron! See you next X-mas.
