George Lucas’ greatest shame
Directed by: Steve Binder (David Acomba – uncredited)
Written by: Rod Warren, Bruce Vilanch, Pat Proft, Leonard Ripps, and Mitzie Wlech
Starring: Mickey Morton, Patty Maloney, Paul Gale
Rated TV-PG for mild violence, alcohol/smoking use, and one horrifying VR Wookie moment
Release Date: November 17, 1978
Runtime: 1:37
This review may contain nearly 50-year-old spoilers
A long time ago, in a galaxy not so far away …
A TV holiday special was released in November ’78, a year after the ever-popular Star Wars (back when it was just called Star Wars and not A New Hope or Episode 4). It was a special so horrifying and soul-crushing that George Lucas himself tried to destroy its very existence. Lucas considered this the worst thing to Star Wars, and he still supports Jar Jar Binks, his casting choice for Anakin, Padme dying from sadness, and the existence of Attack of the Clones. Think about that – he’ll stand by those disasters, yet, this is where he draws the line.
Lucas even went as far as destroying every film strip of it in-studio so no one would see it ever again after the initial airing. Yet, thanks to devoted fans with VCRs and blank tapes, the special survived…
The Star Wars Holiday Special.
This can’t be real
For decades, many thought this special was an urban legend, a myth among Star Wars nerds. Many Star Wars fans didn’t believe it really existed.
Crazy thing is… it’s true. Life Day, Bea Arthur. All of it. It’s all true.
Thanks to sites like YouTube, the special has reached many curious (and unfortunate) fans curious to check out unseen content from the ‘70s. Many fans would keep the recorded special on tape and upload it on the Internet to preserve this disasterpiece.
The Wookie Bunch
The holiday special is a variety show, centered around Chewbacca’s family on the planet Kashyyyck (Ka-sheeek), waiting for the big guy to make it home for Life Day. However, the family is under suspicion from the Galactic Empire and has stormtroopers waiting for Chewbacca and Han Solo to show up. And that’s really the main story. The rest of the special is random distractions around the Wookie house, disguised as the variety show’s acts. The special also sprinkled in celebrity cameos, like the legendary Harvey Corman and Bea Arthur.
So, what’s so wrong with this special? Why do so many people top this as the worst thing to happen to the Star Wars saga or even one of the worst Christmas movies/shows ever?
Everything. There. End of review. Next movie. Next movie!
Alright, fine. I guess I must relive this intergalactic nightmare again. Dammit… let me get the booze first.
Meet the Wookies
First thing first, there’s the Wookie family. Not only is Chewie’s family non-canon (they’re never mentioned, ever, in the Star Wars main continuity), but they’re also alone for most of the special. Meaning there are no humans around to translate the Wookies’ grunts and growls. Imagine three Chewbaccas roaring at each other for 15 solid minutes. Nothing against Wookies, but having an entire family of Chewie’s going on and on with the same sounds is aggravating! In the movies, Chewie only grunts and roars a little at a time.
– via CBS
Celeb cameos
The next thing is the celebrity cameos because you can’t just have a variety show without celebrities. At least, I think so. Anyways, the special shows off 1970 stars Art Carney (The Honeymooners), Harvey Corman (Blazing Saddles & The Carol Burnett Show), Bea Arthur (The Golden Girls), Diahann Carroll (Julia), and the band Jefferson Starship (because their name has ‘Starship’ in it, I guess).
And just about every single celebrity is wasted. I think Corman got it the worst, having to show up in three different roles. Each role (a four-armed alien cook, a malfunctioning instructional droid, and a lovesick alien with a literal hole in his head) is dumb, confusing, and just overall bizarre. I know Star Wars has bizarre creatures and worlds, but this is just so weird. The only proper answer as to why is – drugs. Potent ‘70s drugs, man.
Bea Arthur’s scene wasn’t as bad, but it’s such a weird segment. She’s a bartender in a Mos Eisley cantina (like from the first movie, where Luke met Han and Chewie) and sings about saying goodbye after the Empire closes her bar down. Not terrible, but you’ll get sick of hearing the word “friend” after her song.
– via CBS
Carney is a local trader on Kashyyyck and hangs around the Wookie family, mumbling and trying to lure stormtroopers away from discovering the Wookies’ secret. His character provides an opening for many of the variety segments, like distracting an Imperial officer with a holographic performance by Jefferson Starship.
Star Wars VR porn
Carney also provides Itchy, Chewbacca’s father (or father-in-law, I could never tell), with a virtual reality headset that shows off the lovely Diahann Carroll as some futuristic singer with weird Dr. Seuss gak splattered on her head. This segment is the weirdest and most uncomfortable piece of the special (not even kidding). Carroll starts off talking about pleasuring, feeling connected as one, and talking very sensually when she does. I’m telling you, this is Wookie porn. Itchy is totally watching VR porn in the living room, next to his own grandson. You can even see Itchy squirming excitedly in his seat. What in the actual hell?
Cameos from the original
The original cast from the first film also makes cameos. Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Leia, Chewbacca, Darth Vader, C-3P0, and R2-D2 all return for irrelevant shorts. They’re literally just there to be there. Nothing else. They all meet up in the end for the big finale in space.
Life Day finale
And that finale in space is where it gets me lost. So, get this (and no, I don’t care about spoilers; this is a 1978 TV special, so deal with it) – once home, Chewbacca and his family don robes and lift these crystal balls high into the sky. Next thing you know, they are walking through space into a bright star. Zero exaggerations.
Inside the star, the main Star Wars cast meets up with the Wookies, and Princess Leia sings a cringy song based on the Star Wars theme song.
The Story of the Faithful Wookie
There’s also a cartoon in here, and it’s probably the most enjoyable part of this whole mess. The animation is bizarre, though. Han Solo looks like a human camel and something. Also, C-3P0 blinks. Why does a droid need to blink?
The artwork is worse with characters not inspired by the cast’s likeness. One behemoth alien was drawn as a basic-looking, goofy dinosaur from The Flintstones.
It’s also the first appearance of Boba Fett, appearing as a stranger seemingly helping the heroes find Han Solo and Chewie. Later, he’s revealed to be hired by Darth Vader to… actually, I have no idea what he was hired for. The missing characters were found, and Boba Fett didn’t turn the known rebels over to Vader. Sooo, what the hell?
Sure, that’s a spoiler, but it’s older than most Star Wars fans.
70s commercials
An unintentional entertainment came from old 1970s commercials recorded with the special. Different copies had different commercials, too. From toys, underwear, and union labels, you really can see how different product advertisements were back in those “good ol’ days.” Back then, GM would make commercials after the people who worked there, but now it’s all about the cars.
Lucas’ attempted cover-up
The Holiday Special was so bad, I’m not even joking when I said he tried to destroy any trace of it. He managed to eliminate the production value, leaving the only traces of its existence in the hands of recorded tapes from fans. While Lucas didn’t write or direct any of the special, it must have been a serious blow to his work.
Hard to find
The Star Wars Holiday Special isn’t on DVD or streaming anywhere. It’s not even available on Disney Plus, although you can find the Boba Fett short there. But you can find the holiday special all over YouTube.
My EYES!!!
For the love of Star Wars, you’re better off avoiding this special unless you are up for a lot of laughs, facepalms, and overall confusion. There’s not much else to go on about this special. I don’t blame Lucas for trying to erase this from existence. It’s flat-out awful and makes zero sense, barely fitting in with the Star Wars lore other than the main characters.
However, I still recommend people see it. It’s fun to laugh at. There’s a fascination with the Holiday Special that’s hard to avoid. Some could call it a guilty pleasure, but I think of it more as “here’s how it could have been worse.”
Almost makes The Rise of Skywalker a better movie. Almost.
It also shows how little people knew how to handle the Star Wars property back then, outside of George Lucas. Fast forward to today with films like Rogue One and shows like The Mandalorian, and you can see the difference. Sure, the creators of those properties grew up on Star Wars, but my point is no one knew how to handle Star Wars for this special. So out came this laughable abomination.
Happy Life Day, and may the Force be with you! This is the first of my X-Mas Bombs. Every year, I look for the worst Christmas movies out there, everything from “War on Christmas” to weird Christmas horror films. This was an interesting start, but it’ll only get worse from here. See you next X-mas.
