Christmas with a Capital C review

The “War on Christmas” threatens a small town by a scheming Baldwin brother… with a Capital B

Directed by: Helmut Schleppi
Written by: Andrea Gyertson Nasfell
Starring: Ted McGinley, Daniel Baldwin, Nancy Stafford
Rated NR
Release Date: December 5, 2010
Runtime: 1:21

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This review may contain spoilers and capital letters

The War on Christmas continues… with capitalization

Christmas – a word dear to Americans in many ways. It’s a time when families can get together and celebrate the birth of Mr. Jesus, having a couple of weeks off from school and work, and Christmas lights everywhere!

The very word is derived from the words “Christ’s Mass”. And, as the movie title points out, it starts with a capital ‘C,’ making it all the more important.

Or it’s because it’s what’s known as a proper noun and a holiday, both of which are always capitalized, i.e., Thanksgiving or Halloween (the devil’s holiday).

Our Story begins… with a capital S

Ted McGinley returns from Fox’s Married… with Children as Jefferson D’Arcy, finally escaping his estranged marriage in Chicago and now living a new life in a small community in beautiful Alaska.

Nah, it’s just hard seeing McGinley outside of that role. It would have made a way more entertaining movie.

Actually, McGinley plays Dan Reed, the mayor of the small Alaskan town of Trapper Falls. But returning to the same town is Mitch Bright (Daniel Baldwin, VH1’s Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew), who moved away 20 years ago and became a big-time attorney. Now he’s back in town and quickly incorporates changes to the small town’s traditions of anything religious, including (dramatic pause) people saying “Merry Christmas!”

And, to make things worse, Mitch is running for mayor to replace Dan, which could make his changes stay permanently. Surprisingly, he’s running after only moving back into town after a couple of days. He hasn’t even had time to change his driver’s license, but he’s legally eligible to run for mayor?

The Heathen for the Season… with a Capital H

It was damn easy for Bitch Mitch to intimidate the townsfolk into his way of thinking. He wasted no time scaring people with lawsuits and political correctness, and it was super effective. It rather showed how fragile and easily manipulated the movie’s Christians are, and for a Christian-focused movie, you’d think their will would have been a bit stronger against one man in this town.

The people from Who-ville had better faith than Trapper Falls, and all their stuff was stolen (including the last can of Who-hash). These poor targeted Christians fold from warnings and the wagging of Mitch’s finger. Not a good look…

But to spoil the whole movie (just because I don’t care), the movie doesn’t end with our Christian heroes persevering against the Mitch who stole “Merry Christmas.” In fact, the pushback is abandoned almost as soon as it started. Not that Mitch actually won, but because Dan and family discovered the reason behind Mitch’s return to Trapper Falls and his bitterness to “Merry Christmas” and faith – he’s broke and lonely.

I mean, dude just got a whole log cabin all to himself, but, sure, let’s go with “he’s broke now.”

The town comes together and brings him food and friendship. Yay, the old Scrooge’s heart is thawed, and he’s happy now. He will probably give his life to Jesus in the morning, too, and join Christian Mingle. Why not?

From Pure to Peak… with capital P’s

But wait just one Bible-thumping minute – that wasn’t the big conflict here. The film acts like this lame Hallmark moment settled the whole problem. Or do Christians just think that people want to say “Happy holidays” because they are broke and don’t have a special someone for the season?

This is Pure Flix – the same movies that hype up the Christian Persecution complex. Their films show atheists as just angry people who “hate God,” so it’s not a far stretch that being broke and alone would be their reasoning for people wanting to change “Merry Christmas.”

Now rebranded as Pinnacle Peak Pictures since 2021, these are the people who have brought us five God’s Not Dead movies (because one wasn’t enough), Unplanned, and a modern remake of Little Women.

It’s actually surprising that for 16 years, they didn’t make at least three more movies to let us know Christmas starts with a capital letter.

Brad Stine’s stand-up… with a Capital S

Like last year’s Last Ounce of Courage, I thought there would be more to pick apart and laugh at. However, like Last Ounce, the inspiration behind Christmas with a Capital C was more fun to poke at. This movie has two inspirations that are bafflingly crazy – Brad Stine’s stand-up comedy and a “hit song” by a band called Go Fish (I checked, they have nothing to do with the card game).

Stine not only plays Dan’s brother, Greg, in the movie, but he also does Christian stand-up comedy (oh, oh boy). The New Yorker described his comedy as “echoes of Robin Williams, Sam Kinison, and George Carlin, who is his comedy hero.”

I honestly gave his hour-long “Laugh While It’s Legal” special on YouTube a try and only made it 25 minutes in. See how well you can make it. But fair warning, it’s… It’s pretty bad…

From what I could muster, he just nags about the left taking over and a lot of annoying sound effects the whole time. He even reminds the audience to laugh at his jokes. Not a good sign when the career comedian needs to give you laugh hints. He might as well have a lit-up “laugh” sign whenever he delivers his punchlines.

The movie stops several times to give Stine comedic moments, as if his jokes will fill in the time (it’s a pretty short film). They’re just more unneeded rants boring you with the whiny message of the movie.

I mean, we get it; you hate people not treasuring and enduring your religion like you do, especially during the holidays.

Instead, it just shows how unfunny the guy is. He dumps his comedy (both in stand-up and in this film) with goofy voices and face-mugging that would make the late, great Ernest P. Worrell say, “cool it.” He just says any goofy-ass idea that fills his head, and everyone is just expected to laugh. This dude wouldn’t even last “open-mic night” with a room full of cackling hyenas.

Now I want to go back to Ernest Saves Christmas, a much higher-class Christmas movie.

“All I Want for Christmas is A Capital ‘C’”

The other inspiration that the DVD cover displays is Go Fish’s “Christmas with a Capital C.” I never thought I would find a more dreaded Christmas song than Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You,” but here is a worthy, cringey contender.

Dear Baby Jesus, is this song lame! Turns out, the main reason for the “with a Capital C” part of the title seems to be just to rhyme in the song’s lyrics. Okay, fine, sure, it’s a musical gimmick, I’ll give it that. It just makes the people talking about the capital C part in the movie all the dumber. You fools!

And bonus, the song is part of the film’s credits, and it adds in not one but three Brad Stine’s stand-up bits about saying “Merry Christmas” and losing it whenever someone says “Happy holidays.”

Seriously, you guys need self-confidence therapy. You panic hearing “Happy holidays,” and you go into full bitch-fit mode. You guys are literally the manifestation of living in a holy bubble. One little poke and it all falls apart.

I wouldn’t be surprised if you guys freak out if someone said hello in the morning instead of a hardy good morning. “Why didn’t you wish me a good morning? Don’t you want my mornings to be good? Just hello? Don’t you know hello starts with Hell… with a capital H????”

Jeez, that joke just dropped to Brad Stine’s levels. Next, I’ll be making his annoying ferret sounds or doing half-assed impressions. Yuck!

What is Go Fish?

They’re a children’s music band with a strong focus on Christian faith. Think Kidz Bop, but still sung by adults. Or those annoying PSA groups at school assemblies that try to act like cool kids. Their site is plastered with slogans like “Great music for kids that won’t drive parents bonkers” and “We decided to be done chasin’ number ones, Cuz we’re having way more fun with the kids.”

Really, you guys are done chasin’ number ones? Was it before or after you realized your “hits” were actually steaming piles of number twos? The Wiggles had a better chance of number ones.

Thank God Almighty, I wasn’t a kid when these goobers came out. No doubt Mama Kaiz would torture me in the car with this garbage playing over and over; I can even see her dancing in the driver’s seat to them. Head-on collision with oncoming traffic would be merciful…

At least this garbage music isn’t blaring from the Walmart speakers for over 30 days. That honor is still yours, Mariah Carey.

Keeping it short… with a Capital S

You gotta appreciate a bland movie that sets up a male Karen rolling through town, upsetting the conservative townsfolk, and then learning the spirit of Christmas – all in a short 81 minutes! It’s so damn fast it seems like Mitch moved in one day, and the next day, he’s running for mayor.

I’d bring up something about Alaska state law requiring a one-year residency before running for office, but I’d doubt these morons really care. They have bigger fish to fry – like people not saying “Merry Christmas.”

Season’s Greetings… with a Capital S & G

Here’s the thing: I actually get Christians getting upset with being told not to say “Merry Christmas.” It’s censoring against a specific religion. Besides, it’s traditional. Who wouldn’t get upset about that?

Not to mention it’s illegal. Bosses/managers/owners can’t just instruct their employees to say certain greetings based on religious reasons. We’re talking about violating the First Amendment, which could open them to lawsuits. “Happy holidays” is encouraged, maybe, but you wouldn’t get fired if you kept to “Merry Christmas.” That is, unless your boss is a lesser Baldwin brother who is lonely and broke around the holidays.

I say “Merry Christmas,” and I’m not even a Christian. It’s honestly just a seasonal greeting or in passing. We say it to people on the street, in the office, at the check-out counter, or even on the phone. It wasn’t meant as a “you’re forcing religion on me, and I do not give consent.”

It also has a catchy sound. Imagine if the great Frank Sinatra sang, “Have Yourself a Happy Little Holiday.” Wouldn’t be as good a song…

Yet, on the other hand, I don’t see what’s so wrong with being inclusive to non-Christians during the holidays. The season is not just for Christmas; there’s Hanukkah and Kwanzaa, too. And then for everyone else, there’s just “the holidays.” I mean, is this really such a big deal hearing “Happy holidays” when you’re just in for a coffee?

That’s the catalyst for this whole damn movie – Brad Stine’s Greg has a complete meltdown in public and rants about “Merry Christmas.” All because the cute barista he has a crush on has to say “Happy holidays” (dude is in his fifties and is still too much of a pussy to ask her out, for crying out loud).

Stine’s rant is also the clueless irony of this movie. The movie’s conservatives whined about the gosh-darn liberals saying “Happy holidays,” after the liberals whined about “Merry Christmas.” One side wants it their way because of Jesus; the other side wants it to include everyone in the season. It’s a non-stop back-and-forth argument with only one real difference – a capital C.

Christmas with a Capital WHY???

Christmas with a Capital C is just a petty excuse for people to get riled up with “They’re trying to take away our Christmases.” There really was no fight to keep our rights, and there was no winning on either side. It was just a half-assed, bland movie inspired by a goofy band and a bad comedian.

The film works too hard to turn the Christians in the film into victims of big, bad Democrats that it makes them look like complete pushovers with no backbone. It doesn’t even try to give them a chance to redeem or fight back, really.

The Kaiz Blogs’s own Token Christ Lover quotes: “The movie’s worst crime isn’t being a bad movie (it is, but that’s not the point). It’s an even more boring, repetitive movie in a genre of boring, repetitive movies.

Last Ounce of Courage centered on the scary liberals wanting to take Jesus away and the heroic, conservative veteran (of unnamed conflict [Shut Up!]) standing up for his faith. Christmas with a Capital C was just about an asshole taking out his personal problems on his hometown because he’s poor now. It ended up not even being political.”

Merry Christmas, and for Brad Stine, HAP-PY HOL-I-DAYS… in ALL CAPS! Go ahead and have another whiny freak-out on stage, ya Denis-Leary-wannabe spaz. See you next X-Mas… with a Capital X.